The world is round. And, hot.
The temperature is hitting near forty degrees and there is never a wind that could soothe off my skin. Mostly, I am trying to be sane and at other times trying not to be spoilt.
Tonight, I feel something different. It is a kind of restlessness, a deep craving of becoming something more than what I am now.
You see, I have always had this void within me.
And, it has grown every year, varying in intensity. High during the depressive phases and almost invisible when I am at a good place. At some sudden point in the night, I wake up and start thinking.
I lose my sleep. I think, 'Am I growing?' Am I doing everything that I could ever do? I try to convince myself with an answer, which almost never satisfies me. Which almost never makes me go back to sleep. I satrted to thinking, am I doing a right thing?
God please save me . Help me to accept all this.
Sometimes, I find my dreams becoming cloudy in the interims of the day, work, and complacency. Sometimes, even my most sincere dreams lose their magic over me with just a little song.
It is then when I feel scared and vulnerable.
It is just that for so long, I have identified myself with those dreams, I have tried to make myself pull together defeat and defeat for those very dreams. Now, I am oblivious.
Or, I don't want to think about them. About it.
How will I be able to do something if I feel like this?
I believe in the universe. I believe in that power that keeps us going even after a bad fall. I believe in Him , my Saviour , Soul Jesus Christ.
But, tonight as some of the previous nights, I have been plotting in silence. I have been pining on older memories and things had happened where I have stood up.
I try to hold on to what had happened to me. Be a good daughter and a good sister. They are pushing me, Its my mistake. I do know it but I'm just a human. A little human that still can't see what had done infront of her.
Tonight, I am waiting for a sign. A little spark, maybe a little YES.
Maybe a little hope.
